As I listen to stories of from women in EXTREMELY unhealthy relationships, I can’t help but to think, how did we get here? Was it watching our parents in unhealthy dysfunctional relationships, being abused emotionally and physically as an adolescent, or was it too much coddling and babying of sorts that ruined you? I have to SMH, not only at the stories I hear, but even at my own. Now at 32, almost 33, I am very true to myself. I know that a lot that happened to me as a child has now surfaced as an adult and yes, it can ruin me if I let it. I didn’t grow up with my mother and father and though my childhood was a “difficult” one, I am grateful for who and what it has made me into… but did it fuck me up?
Women I encounter daily are aggressive, angry, volatile, and loving all in one breathe. Our many emotions and passions stem from our circumstances. From some saying they would NEVER let a man hit, beat, cheat, curse at them, to others who justify the bullshit; as I talk to these women and try not to judge (because my shit is FAR from perfect), I can’t help but to think… how did we get here? I know for me, being real with myself and living in my own truth, I’ve been trying to look deep into my inner self for the poor decisions I made; trying to not beat myself up about them, but more accepting where I am and finding a viable solution to fix it.
As women share their many successes and failures with our “intimate” mommy group, it dawns on me, what about our children? Are we letting our childhoods ruin us to then ruin them? For example, you grew up in a tumultuous environment, so now you try to make things better for your child, but you coddle them so much, that they still turn out to be a monster. I always try to look at the root of the tree when I see a spoiled apple and try to analyze where things went wrong. Whose fault was it? Was it mom babying her son and breast feeding him far into his 30’s, or was it dad being absent and too tough on a child and not saying “I love you” enough because culturally it wasn’t accepted for men to show “affection”. Or maybe, just maybe, this is you and no one ruined you.
As I try to develop a good balance for my son, I can’t help but to think, did my childhood ruin me and now will I ruin his? I guess all I can rely on is telling myself I do not want the dysfunction to trickle down to another generation. I caution us all, especially as mothers to break the unhealthy relationships and cycles we continue to present forth.
In the black community, a lot of us see it as taboo to seek mental help. Too many people are walking around with emotional and physical baggage that is too heavy for the normal mental state to bare. It’s hurtful to see and even experience, many of us need help and how can we be healthy for our kids if we are not taking care of ourselves. As women, I think most of us think we can deal with it and we are natural givers, so we just give, give, give, until we just can’t anymore. People utilize social media for shits and giggles, but sometimes, we need to see when the cry for help is real. I charge us all to not let our childhood ruin us but to be that change for our children.