As I listen to stories of from women in EXTREMELY unhealthy relationships, I can’t help but to think, how did we get here? Was it watching our parents in unhealthy dysfunctional relationships, being abused emotionally and physically as an adolescent, or was it too much coddling and babying of sorts that ruined you? I have to SMH, not only at the stories I hear, but even at my own. Now at 32, almost 33, I am very true to myself. I know that a lot that happened to me as a child has now surfaced as an adult and yes, it can ruin me if I let it. I didn’t grow up with my mother and father and though my childhood was a “difficult” one, I am grateful for who and what it has made me into… but did it fuck me up?

Women I encounter daily are aggressive, angry, volatile, and loving all in one breathe. Our many emotions and passions stem from our circumstances. From some saying they would NEVER let a man hit, beat, cheat, curse at them, to others who justify the bullshit; as I talk to these women and try not to judge (because my shit is FAR from perfect), I can’t help but to think… how did we get here? I know for me, being real with myself and living in my own truth, I’ve been trying to look deep into my inner self for the poor decisions I made; trying to not beat myself up about them, but more accepting where I am and finding a viable solution to fix it.

As women share their many successes and failures with our “intimate” mommy group, it dawns on me, what about our children? Are we letting our childhoods ruin us to then ruin them? For example, you grew up in a tumultuous environment, so now you try to make things better for your child, but you coddle them so much, that they still turn out to be a monster. I always try to look at the root of the tree when I see a spoiled apple and try to analyze where things went wrong. Whose fault was it? Was it mom babying her son and breast feeding him far into his 30’s, or was it dad being absent and too tough on a child and not saying “I love you” enough because culturally it wasn’t accepted for men to show “affection”. Or maybe, just maybe, this is you and no one ruined you.

As I try to develop a good balance for my son, I can’t help but to think, did my childhood ruin me and now will I ruin his? I guess all I can rely on is telling myself I do not want the dysfunction to trickle down to another generation. I caution us all, especially as mothers to break the unhealthy relationships and cycles we continue to present forth.

In the black community, a lot of us see it as taboo to seek mental help. Too many people are walking around with emotional and physical baggage that is too heavy for the normal mental state to bare. It’s hurtful to see and even experience, many of us need help and how can we be healthy for our kids if we are not taking care of ourselves. As women, I think most of us think we can deal with it and we are natural givers, so we just give, give, give, until we just can’t anymore. People utilize social media for shits and giggles, but sometimes, we need to see when the cry for help is real. I charge us all to not let our childhood ruin us but to be that change for our children.

13 Comments on How our childhood can ruin us.

  1. Kim
    December 2, 2016 at 8:35 pm (8 months ago)

    Great post. As adults, I think we can stop placing the blame on the adults who were in our lives as children. Whatever happened, happened. We’re grown now so we can forgive, and move on, and know to do better, especially if we have our own to ensure that the cycle does not repeat itself.

    Reply
  2. Michelle Malone
    December 4, 2016 at 4:52 pm (8 months ago)

    Powerful post! You know we’re a product of our environment. With our parents as our first teachers, they need to serve as models for who we are to become. Looking deep within yourself and getting adequate support before having kids is the key, but it doesn’t always work out that way. All you can do is seek to be better than you were yesterday without pointing the finger at anyone in particular…just my opinion. We all have baggage — whether it’s a Gucci bag or a paper bag. We all have it.

    Reply
  3. Tanya Barnett
    December 4, 2016 at 5:02 pm (8 months ago)

    Girl, I had years of counseling only after my marriage was falling apart. I was able to see my issues and worked on me. Hubby got his own counseling too. Great post.

    Reply
  4. Kirstin Fuller
    December 4, 2016 at 7:59 pm (8 months ago)

    I agree we do need to be the change for our children and prepare them for the world that awaits. Sugar coating and making life seem like camelot isn’t going to cut it in the long run.

    Reply
  5. Ayanna
    December 4, 2016 at 8:05 pm (8 months ago)

    I think in order for us to break the cycle of our own childhoods potentially ruining our own kids, we have to start with us. We have to admit we have issues and seek help to for them. Realizing that getting help doesn;t make us weak, but helps to make us stronger.

    Reply
  6. Thirty30Courtney
    December 4, 2016 at 11:10 pm (8 months ago)

    Wow. This is so necessary. With the holiday season, a lot of emotions can get stirred up for people. Seeking help us okay and a saving grace for people.

    Reply
  7. Camesha | Mama Motivator
    December 5, 2016 at 12:55 am (8 months ago)

    “Look at the root of a tree when you see a spoiled apple.” Now that needs to be said more often. I was just thinking about this topic the other day. Some of us are just so scared. Knowingly or not, many parents release damaged people into this world. From the things we’re may have been exposed to as kids, the things that happened to us. It can take a toll for sure.

    Reply
  8. KenyaRae
    December 5, 2016 at 7:54 am (8 months ago)

    I could t agree with this more. I have always parented with the goal to make my children’s lives better. Not in a spoil them and give them all I didn’t have but just as you said trying to stop some of that generational foolishness from trickling down. The reality is it’s HARD. Youbhave Rhonda surface that you thought you’d never face do or whatever and it’s a constant struggle to just continue to do your best and let that be the legacy! Keep pushing girly. It’s gonna work for you and your sons good! ❤️

    Reply
  9. Tomiko
    December 5, 2016 at 8:05 am (8 months ago)

    I have to be careful with my ton when I speak to my husband because I’ve always been one of those women to say no man will ever do this or that so anytime my husband looks like he wants to say something out of line I tear him a new ass and everything doesn’t warrant that reaction.. it stems from my mom and how she made she I knew not to allow any man to mistreat but she took it to the extreme

    Reply
  10. Mimi Green
    December 5, 2016 at 8:16 am (8 months ago)

    As an adult I see how my childhood has manifest in my life. There are a few things I had to work out. Along with a few things I’m still working out. I’m so thankful that I’m not passing those things on to my children. That I am fixing my issues and providing them a better life than I had.You can’t get help if you aren’t honest about your issues.

    Reply
  11. Eva
    December 5, 2016 at 11:10 am (8 months ago)

    I am definitely trying to do things differently when it comes to raising my three. I am hoping that my childhood experience serves as a reminder of what not to do, and to pay attention to the things that worked.

    Reply
  12. RaNesha
    December 6, 2016 at 1:00 am (8 months ago)

    My sister and I talked about this exact topic late Sunday night wow this is powerful.

    Reply
  13. Adeola Naomi
    December 6, 2016 at 11:05 am (8 months ago)

    I am sharing this post and hoping more people, especially in the black community realise the value of mental help and self-care.

    Reply

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